Without Beloved Community, I'd Still Be Somewhere Crying

In the summer of 2022, my partner of 4.5 years called me to say we needed to break up. He did the typical “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me” charade and threw in the obligatory, “I just need to find myself” for good measure. I was devastated, even though I knew this was a long time coming. My first day, as a single twenty-something, for the first time in nearly half a decade, was spent toggling between crying, responding to numerous group chats, and swiping on dating apps. It was a shit show. 

However, I kept returning to the Beloved Community amid all this darkness. And not just MY Beloved Community of people, I mean, the nine domains we use as a framework for UBUNTU Research & Evaluation. This framework is significant to me not only because of my job, but it has deeply influenced my personal life as well. Once I became familiar with the concept of Beloved Community, it was difficult to shake. To some, it is a utopia, but to me, it is the real-life, very much achievable approach to a better, more just world.

Beloved Community is a philosophical term coined by American philosopher Josiah Royce, but many of us understand it through Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 's work and the musings of bell hooks. Beloved Community is not necessarily a place, but a journey towards affirming each person’s inherent worth. In the words of The King Center, Beloved Community “is a global vision, in which all people can share in the wealth of the earth. In the Beloved Community, poverty, hunger, and homelessness will not be tolerated because international standards of human decency will not allow it. Racism and all forms of discrimination, bigotry, and prejudice will be replaced by an all-inclusive spirit of sisterhood and brotherhood. In the Beloved Community, international disputes will be resolved by peaceful conflict resolution and reconciliation of adversaries, instead of military power. Love and trust will triumph over fear and hatred. Peace with justice will prevail over war and military conflict.”

Now, I won’t necessarily go over all nine with you in this post, but I do want to highlight some of the most crucial ones that came up in my time as a single woman: Love, Struggling With Fear, Seeking Redeeming Qualities, Embracing Conflict, and most importantly, Forgiveness. Think of this as sort of my own personal “Lemonade”.

One of the roughest parts of going through a breakup is the loss of Love or the perceived loss of Love. This person you thought you would be with forever has now destroyed that vision and future you worked so hard to make real. And when you are the partner dumped, you often feel as though it is a reflection of you. For months, I wrestled with the notion that maybe I am unlovable or perhaps I am too difficult to be with long-term. It was painful that first week, waking up and remembering that, yes, I was no longer in this relationship so many people claimed to be a perfect one. What will folks say about me now? Who will love me now that, what felt like, so many of my “good” years were spent building a staircase to a marriage that would never exist?

The first few days of the breakup I spent alone and at home. After getting all my cries out early, the remaining time was dedicated to frustration, confusion, and solitude. Something had to give, though. Instead of trying to heal in isolation, I sought out my friends and family, who loved me so deeply, that they knew how to bring me back to my own light. It was not a love that was always soft or warm; sometimes, it was a love that urged me to be radically honest with myself. It was a love that saw me, all of me, and said, “You weren’t as happy as you thought you were, and that’s okay, too.” It was a love that kept me afloat when everything else was trying to pull me under.

The second Beloved Community domain that saw me through was Facing Fear. As a Black woman in America, there is so much additional pressure on us to get married and have kids. While I am fairly certain being a mother is not my future, I have always aspired to be someone’s wife. There was a deeply-rooted fear that I had wasted my time, my best years at that, and now, what would become of me? Who would want to marry me? If I really was wife material, wouldn’t I be married already? The fear consumed so much of me. I had no choice but to confront it head-on. I had to shift through all the bullshit messaging about being a single woman and unlearn all these things so that I could make my own conclusions about who I am and what I want.

I joked (but not really) for a long time that I would make an amazing partner and a terrible ex. I was not someone you wanted to be in conflict with because I absolutely vowed to not play fair. Petty Mikey wanted to call him out on social media. Petty Mikey wanted to humiliate him when we ended up at the same social gatherings. Petty Mikey wanted to call his mama and let her know about this nigga she raised. Petty Mikey wanted all of our mutual friends to turn their backs on him, which would make him feel as lonely as I did when he left. However, Petty Mikey was just a mask. Petty Mikey was really sad Mikey, so instead of shrinking or shooing away the wrath I felt, I reminded myself of the good characteristics my ex had. I did not want to taint the beautiful memories we had together because I was salty. I was in love with this person once, and he was in love with me. Even if we romantically did not work out, that didn’t mean he was excluded from my Beloved Community. When he was doing well, I was doing well. For him to be well means I get to be well.

Of course, this is a lot easier said than done, and I would be an entire lie if I said I don’t occasionally make petty jabs in the comfort of my girls’ group chat. However, if I could lean into the ways this person contributed to my life, and to my overall growth, it is easier to try to embrace our conflict. More importantly, I carry this in my current relationship. I don’t want to repeat certain toxic traits or make the same mistakes as before, and that means I have to approach arguments differently and enter into disagreements with the understanding that this person is significant to me. Nothing is more important than being in community, especially whatever notion of “being right” I hold.

With these domains in mind so far, we come to the most difficult one, which I am still hoping to achieve: Forgiveness. Personally, I don’t think forgiveness is a destination or finish line we cross. I think of it as an ongoing process. The journey of forgiveness is about rediscovery. It is a challenge to not hold grudges, and an invitation to work through the anger, sadness, or discomfort AS IT HAPPENS IN REAL TIME. The best part of this is knowing that as I forgive my ex, I learn to forgive myself, and in learning to forgive myself and others, I make room to forgive my friends, my family members, and those who have harmed others in the community.

Beloved Community is not something I take lightly; it is not the easiest thing to practice or embody. However, I feel better and more whole in trying to hold these domains. Beloved Community has allowed me to grow as an individual, and as a member of my community, but more importantly, I feel like because of it, I can make deeper, more meaningful connections with those I love and care about. And in doing so, life is so much richer.