5 Tips for Embracing Feedback in Facilitation...and Smoothies

Of all the aspects of a beloved community, the one that is often easier to be the giver than the receiver of is radical honesty. Even when wrapped in love, forgiveness, redeeming qualities and directed towards a liberated future, it's still very difficult to hear or read a critical analysis of something you were so sure that you had delivered perfectly. My daughter told me that she doesn’t like when I put fresh spinach in her smoothies. That was a hard pill to swallow. Feedback is all around us, but like spinach in a smoothie, it may leave an unpleasant taste in your mouth. For all of us, but even more so, facilitators who want to be transformative in their work while also submitting themselves to being lifelong learners must not shy away from receiving critical feedback. Whether a facilitator, a smoothie making parent, or anyone engaging with other humans, the following tips may help you navigate the sometimes healthy, but unfavorable experience of receiving feedback.

As an educator and now, the director of facilitation and leadership, you may assume that receiving feedback is second nature to me. Well, actually, it isn’t. By challenging the negative stigma of feedback, I have been able to use it as a tool to learn and grow in my practice as a facilitator. But it took a lot of work for me to get here.

Here's the backstory. Once upon a time, in a humiliating role far far away, my value as an employee and the continued status of my role was contingent on anonymous, biannual feedback from folks that I managed. Despite my being forthcoming and asking for real time feedback as well as feelings and thoughts about a process or system implementation, colleagues would literally smile in my face or nod in understanding only to wait until the end of the year, when there was no opportunity to change, to stockpile complaints that I had invited them to thought partner with me in real time. Most of my work was around building culture and in doing so, I had to get a large group of people of various ages to be excited and engaged about our work. This was a difficult task, but very important. Subsequently, my teammate and I were very intentional about implementing creativity and fun in our presentations. The most hurtful anonymous, biannual feedback that I received was someone comparing those presentations to a comedic duo in a popular spoof. I had not seen the film so I was not very familiar with the reference. However, when I reviewed the Ren and Ten scene in the film, Brown Sugar, in the privacy of my home, I was so humiliated and subsequently enraged that I cried audibly. Simply put, this person had compared my efforts and my work to a minstrel show.

When I reflect on that feedback process, it still feels like harm not help. Oftentimes, what was expressed was not about my practice, my meeting the objectives in my role description but more about how they felt about me as the person in that role. And oftentimes what they really felt was something very hurtful and condescending almost to the point where it felt like they didn't want me to grow. This particular moment and subsequent others colored my experience and incited a general inability to receive feedback in a positive and productive way. I carried this with me into UBUNTU. It honestly took about a year and several feedback loops for me to accept that feedback could actually provide a growth opportunity. Once my feedback abrasions healed from that previous experience, I began to purposely, intentionally, and consistently provide clients and co-workers the opportunity to help me improve my work as a facilitator through feedback.

If you, too, find it difficult to receive feedback whilst desiring to truly transform your practices as a facilitator, then here are five tips to consider:

Fuck Your Feelings

Yikes! I know. But let’s just rip the band-aid off. "Failure" sucks. Like it literally feels like someone is trying to suck the life energy out of you. Whew! That's a lot to take in. However, it is very possible that someone's “no” or low rating has nothing to do with you specifically. Your desire to be the best does not negate their experience. I will take this a step further and say if you are immediately offended by a negative or not so complimentary critique, it may be wise to reflect on why such criticism feels like an attack. This may be bringing to the surface some unresolved harm that has occurred in a previous experience or some specific insecurity that has not been addressed. Furthermore, feedback is just feedback, thoughts and words on a page or document. they cannot harm you anymore than you let them.

Find the Lie

Review the feedback and determine if what was shared was in line with your practices. Did you do what they said you did? Is it possible that what you presented could be perceived as reported? There is a familiar saying that “If it walks like a dog, talks like a dog, then the least you can do is check and see if it has a tail.” Feelings aside, if the feedback is consistent, meaning there is a recurring theme in the feedback that you are receiving then it is at least worth investigating.

This also may be a great time to connect with a co-facilitator or other members of your team. They may be able to provide additional context or help you gain perspective on the feedback that was shared.

“The leader of the past knew how to tell. The leader of the future will know how to ask.“

– Peter Drucker

Find Facts, not Fault

After you consider the client's perception as their reality, try to address the concern with facts. Sit in it. Reflect on it. Look through your presentation or your work from the perspective of the observer. Are there opportunities in your presentation where you could have been more engaging? Do you have an effective balance of lecture, activities, and discussion? How did you address challenges to your presentation in real time? All of these things impact your participants’ experience. If you are able to keep your emotions in check while analyzing your work, you may find some truth between the lines of feedback.

Go Fishing…for Feedback

Your operating with equanimity in this situation could build trust in relationships and create a foundation for better work moving forward. If this is an ongoing series with a client or if there is an opportunity, you may want to ask the client to clarify points raised in the feedback. Now, this is a really important time to give a mini lesson on connotation versus denotation. After I received a ton of negative feedback from the group referenced earlier, I asked to meet with them so that I can directly and specifically address their concerns. Despite the rage that was bubbling up in my gut, I wanted to scream, “What the fuck you mean?” but instead, I humbly and calmly asked, “In the feedback about my work being reminiscent of a minstrel show, could you clarify?” Whew. This person continued to be harmful in her explanation, but what became clear was this person just didn’t care for me. This was a good fact to find as I immediately understood that there was nothing that I could do that she would be pleased with. This liberated me in a sense. I explained to this person and the group that my job was to motivate them all and by doing so, we are able to improve outcomes. It was disappointing that she didn’t approve of my approach, but I went on to demonstrate how my tactics were closely linked to the collective results of our organization. By doing so, I attempted to close the gap between her distaste and my duty.

Finish Strong

“Average Players want to be left alone. Good players want to be coached. Great players want to be told the truth.” – Doc Rivers

Learning that not everyone is impressed with your presentation or work can feel like failure. No one is perfect, but that doesn’t stop us from wanting to be perceived as such. Feelings of failure is an "L". Now taking that L and turning it into a Lesson, getting better, advancing, planning effectively will turn you into the transformative facilitator you aim to be!

Very much like the harmful experience that I shared above, it is hard to accept that you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Even more challenging is facing the possibility that you may not be operating at your best and there is still room to grow. Acknowledging such truths is challenging, but once I implemented these five tips in my practice, I was able to embrace feedback to improve my work and become the lifelong learner that I’ve always claimed to be. Now, the real question is, do I still put spinach in my daughter’s smoothie? The quick answer is “No.” How did I get there? I asked myself why it was important that I add an ingredient that she didn’t like. I want her to make healthy choices. I asked her what she would like in her smoothie. “Strawberries, bananas, honey, and oat milk.” Oh…sounds healthy. I followed her recipe exactly, handed her a full glass to taste, then waited for feedback. “Perfect,” she said. A win is a win!